As seen on one of my most popular FB notes:
Basically, I want to rant about Twilight today. Sit back and chillax!
It was my sister (who I am ashamed to say is a Twitard in every sense) who dared me to take Bella and every member of the Cullen family and find something wrong with them. If I could do that, then she would let me take a lighter to her Twilight book (hardcover, 2nd edition). Okay, that is an epic prize right there. A: I <3 color="#6600cc">
So here, in rantablulous form: is the challenge met!
My thesis: The Cullens are Meyer’s way of living her fantasy of her perfect family/ life. Each member represents an aspect of her life she either wants to change in herself or just co-exist with in her own personal Fantasyland.
Let’s start with the Queen Mother (in more than one way) of the ‘Cullens’:
Edward: You want the bashing in alphabetical order, chronological order, or in order of importance? Any butthead with an eighth of a brain can see that he’s Meyer’s Fantasyman. Take Mr. Rochester, throw in a dash of Mr. Darcy, stir for 5 minutes while slowly adding a bit of any male soap opera star from the past 20 years and there you have it! Edward Cullen goulash, and yes, it’s a stinky, misogynist stew. Edward is a bipolar, moody sunuvabitch who abuses and has complete control over his leading lady. He KNOWS she can’t live without him, and he uses her as a result of it. Okay, so most of us have had occasional submissive sexual dreams before, but this is just Meyer’s Mormonist beliefs that women were made subservient shining through. It’s sad that a sexy male lead for her can’t be an equal. Conclusion on Edward: He needeth therapy, and to live for a year with Xena: Warrior Princess. If he makes it out alive, then he’ll be a changed douchebag!
Carlisle: Carlisle, IMO, represents Meyer’s ‘Daddy’ fantasy, obviously. The all-around good father. Either she’s got some psycho Elektra complex hidden in her empty head somewhere, or she had Daddy-issues as a child. Carlisle is the perfect father who literally made his whole family. Metaphor, much? Is she perhaps saying that every family needs a daddy or it will all fall apart? That’s a whole OTHER argument and don’t get me started there!
Esme: Mommy dearest here, with the overwhelming capacity to love, while at the same time always knows best, is Meyer’s subconscious wish for how she hopes her own sons see her as a mother. The perfect lady for the perfect lord. Also, Esme’s undying loving relationship with Carlisle can represent the relationship she wishes she had with her husband…and we KNOW that’s not how it is now, because no relationship that lasts is perfect.
Alice: Ah yes, the Luna Lovegood wannabe. Perhaps Meyer saw how such a positive reactions JKR’s ‘loony’ character got, so she just HAD to get herself one of those! The thing is, though, Alice isn’t even that crazy. She’s just a little ‘different’ but that, of course, makes her ‘weird’ and ‘out there.’ Also, what Luna has that Alice lacks is the ‘wisdom behind the crazy.’ Alice has no philosophies and just ends up being another perfect Cullen in Meyer’s Fantasyland. Sad, because from what I read of the first two books, she had potential.
Jasper: the Convert. I read a LOT of Wikipedia for my research for this. Jasper is the one that was ‘converted’ to ‘vampire vegetarianism.’ Any asshole with a brain can easily see that this is a subconscious metaphor for Meyer’s desire for her Mormon faith to grow, and more and more people converting. Nuf said there.
Emmitt: The strong, protective brother Meyer wishes she had. Again, man-protecting-weak-woman syndrome. He seems to have the Ah-nold Schwartenegger-esque bit to him: cool, confidant, but strong as all hell. I don’t want to go into it.
Rosalie: Meyer’s beauty fantasy. Also her jealous comeback aimed at all those girls who she knows have better looks than herself. Rosalie’s damn gorgeous, and yet she’s the only Cullen who isn’t perfect. She’s jealous of Bella and can’t have what Bella has and longs for it (see Bella, below). This is clearly Meyer saying ‘Ha ha, fuck you, you can’t have what I have and you’re prettier than me!” Please, bitch, grow the hell up.
And for the Grande Finale…
Bella Cullen: Self insert of a woman with minimal personality, and that pulls this whole rant together. Bella IS Stephanie Meyer in the here and now, as she is. While the others represent either something Meyer longs for or wants to change about her crap life, Bella is the Alice in this whole Meyer Wonderland. But what Meyer did wrong with this was that she ‘masked’ her own faults and made Bella sooooo perfect that she sucked. You think maybe she’s got a little bit on ego on her? If you’re going to self-insert yourself into a novel, at least make your book persona human, because like it or not, Meyer, you ARE human, and you HAVE faults.
Now that THAT’S done with, I have some kindling to gather for my book campfire, around which I shall dance an Anti-Twilight war dance, then go watch Battle Royale , because even senseless Japanese violence has more intellectual merit than Twilight. (There is a LOT to be said about Battle Royale, actually, but we’ll save that for another day…)
Basically, I want to rant about Twilight today. Sit back and chillax!
It was my sister (who I am ashamed to say is a Twitard in every sense) who dared me to take Bella and every member of the Cullen family and find something wrong with them. If I could do that, then she would let me take a lighter to her Twilight book (hardcover, 2nd edition). Okay, that is an epic prize right there. A: I <3 color="#6600cc">
So here, in rantablulous form: is the challenge met!
My thesis: The Cullens are Meyer’s way of living her fantasy of her perfect family/ life. Each member represents an aspect of her life she either wants to change in herself or just co-exist with in her own personal Fantasyland.
Let’s start with the Queen Mother (in more than one way) of the ‘Cullens’:
Edward: You want the bashing in alphabetical order, chronological order, or in order of importance? Any butthead with an eighth of a brain can see that he’s Meyer’s Fantasyman. Take Mr. Rochester, throw in a dash of Mr. Darcy, stir for 5 minutes while slowly adding a bit of any male soap opera star from the past 20 years and there you have it! Edward Cullen goulash, and yes, it’s a stinky, misogynist stew. Edward is a bipolar, moody sunuvabitch who abuses and has complete control over his leading lady. He KNOWS she can’t live without him, and he uses her as a result of it. Okay, so most of us have had occasional submissive sexual dreams before, but this is just Meyer’s Mormonist beliefs that women were made subservient shining through. It’s sad that a sexy male lead for her can’t be an equal. Conclusion on Edward: He needeth therapy, and to live for a year with Xena: Warrior Princess. If he makes it out alive, then he’ll be a changed douchebag!
Carlisle: Carlisle, IMO, represents Meyer’s ‘Daddy’ fantasy, obviously. The all-around good father. Either she’s got some psycho Elektra complex hidden in her empty head somewhere, or she had Daddy-issues as a child. Carlisle is the perfect father who literally made his whole family. Metaphor, much? Is she perhaps saying that every family needs a daddy or it will all fall apart? That’s a whole OTHER argument and don’t get me started there!
Esme: Mommy dearest here, with the overwhelming capacity to love, while at the same time always knows best, is Meyer’s subconscious wish for how she hopes her own sons see her as a mother. The perfect lady for the perfect lord. Also, Esme’s undying loving relationship with Carlisle can represent the relationship she wishes she had with her husband…and we KNOW that’s not how it is now, because no relationship that lasts is perfect.
Alice: Ah yes, the Luna Lovegood wannabe. Perhaps Meyer saw how such a positive reactions JKR’s ‘loony’ character got, so she just HAD to get herself one of those! The thing is, though, Alice isn’t even that crazy. She’s just a little ‘different’ but that, of course, makes her ‘weird’ and ‘out there.’ Also, what Luna has that Alice lacks is the ‘wisdom behind the crazy.’ Alice has no philosophies and just ends up being another perfect Cullen in Meyer’s Fantasyland. Sad, because from what I read of the first two books, she had potential.
Jasper: the Convert. I read a LOT of Wikipedia for my research for this. Jasper is the one that was ‘converted’ to ‘vampire vegetarianism.’ Any asshole with a brain can easily see that this is a subconscious metaphor for Meyer’s desire for her Mormon faith to grow, and more and more people converting. Nuf said there.
Emmitt: The strong, protective brother Meyer wishes she had. Again, man-protecting-weak-woman syndrome. He seems to have the Ah-nold Schwartenegger-esque bit to him: cool, confidant, but strong as all hell. I don’t want to go into it.
Rosalie: Meyer’s beauty fantasy. Also her jealous comeback aimed at all those girls who she knows have better looks than herself. Rosalie’s damn gorgeous, and yet she’s the only Cullen who isn’t perfect. She’s jealous of Bella and can’t have what Bella has and longs for it (see Bella, below). This is clearly Meyer saying ‘Ha ha, fuck you, you can’t have what I have and you’re prettier than me!” Please, bitch, grow the hell up.
And for the Grande Finale…
Bella Cullen: Self insert of a woman with minimal personality, and that pulls this whole rant together. Bella IS Stephanie Meyer in the here and now, as she is. While the others represent either something Meyer longs for or wants to change about her crap life, Bella is the Alice in this whole Meyer Wonderland. But what Meyer did wrong with this was that she ‘masked’ her own faults and made Bella sooooo perfect that she sucked. You think maybe she’s got a little bit on ego on her? If you’re going to self-insert yourself into a novel, at least make your book persona human, because like it or not, Meyer, you ARE human, and you HAVE faults.
Now that THAT’S done with, I have some kindling to gather for my book campfire, around which I shall dance an Anti-Twilight war dance, then go watch Battle Royale , because even senseless Japanese violence has more intellectual merit than Twilight. (There is a LOT to be said about Battle Royale, actually, but we’ll save that for another day…)
Stephanie Meyer is actually my hero...she has taught me that you can open a blank book, take a shit on it, and still have it published and make millions.
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