Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Movie

Picture if you will:

It's the highly-anticipated premiere of the Sixth Harry Potter movie, JK Rowling is sitting in the theater waiting for the movie based on her awesome work to begin. Soon, the lights dim and the picture begins. Rowling watches the first 20 minutes or so....and begins getting confused. Halfway through the film, she gets up and asks the usher who is walking down the aisle, "I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong theater. I'm supposed to be in the theater showing the movie based off my books..."

Yeah, it might have really happened. No exaggeration. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was anything but based on the book. I am frankly amazed at how many details they avoided, fucked around with, and still they managed to keep the names spelled the same. If you're a hardcore fan, have read ALL the books, you will want to laugh at this movie and at David Yates for getting himself into such deep trouble for when he does Deathly Hallows I and II. I am one of those people, and let me explain to you just a FEW of the major failures I found...(SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO CARE TOO MUCH AND STILL PLAN TO SEE THE MOVIE)

Fail #1: The portrayal of Apparition. In the books, Apparition is how a wizard transports themselves from one place to another quickly with only a popping sound to signal their arrival or departure. In the movie, Apparition is this whole swirlie thign that's very similar to how Portkey travel in Movie 4 was protrayed. FAIL. And that's not all: Apparition tests aren't even brought up in the book, and the word itself isn't used until Harry mentions it towards the end when he and Dumbledore head to the cave where the Slytherin locket is. DOUBLE FAIL.

Fail #2: Remus/Tonks. They only had one scene together, and when you're a person who sails this ship wholeheartedly, like I, you are severely disappointed. Bear in mind, I also wrote a 119,000+ word full novel-length fanfic telling the whole Remus Tonks story from a completely canonical standpoint, so vcery few were more disappointed than I when they only had one scene together, and even then they are sitting on opposite sides of a table talking not to each other, but Harry. The only indication they are even a couple is in one brief shot Tonks mumbles, "What is it, sweetheart?" and the close-up goes to Remus staring out into a field. They MARRY and have a SON in the next movie. How are we going to explain this, Monsieur Yates? There was supposed to be TENSION! SEXUAL TENSION!!! *eyeroll* What, are they going to survive the final battle now? (Actually, that'd be kinda okay).

Fail #3: Harry/Ginny's get together. Okay, this failure blindsited me, because I was sitting in the theater expecting the movie to be ALL Harry mooning over Ginny. There was very little implication that Harry gets a crush on Ginny until Hermione mentions it. To be honest, there is so much hand-holding and tears between Harry and Hermione I half expected THEM to pair up instead. Though on the positive side, the kiss was actually not too awkward, and the scene where Ginny kisses Harry was actually kind of cute. But if you didn't read the books, you'd be sitting there watching the kiss and be all WTF ARE THEY DOING???

Fail #4: The fact that apparently wizards don't know how to use their wands. No, that was NOT an inneuendo (unless you wanted it to be). During the infamous non-canonical 'Attack at the Burrow' insert scene (whbich, really, wasnt worth the hype, as it was prolly no more than 4 minutes long and not that big a damn deal) Bellatrix creates a ring of fire around the Burrow and begins burning the house. Remus and Tonks go at the fire, seemingly making it dance around with their wands (presumably looking for an opening through which to escape). Um...what happened to Aguamenti? A simply Aguamenti would have calmed those flames down and put out the burning house. Then, after the Death Eaters leave, the whole family just stands gaping like morons at the burning house. Um....Aguamenti, anyone? Dumbfucks. I think the most ironic part of this fail is that Harry uses the spell, words and all, later in the cave with Dumbledore. Gee, thanks, Harry. You let your best friend's house burn to the ground but you managed to put water into a cup for Dumbledore! Ass.

Fail #5: Dumbledore's Death. Okay, so this was going to be a huge fail no matter how it was portrayed, butthe way it was done was so....awkward. The shot is taken from beneath, and all you see is Dumbledore getting shot at with the sparks (which seemed mroe BLUE than green....uberfailure) and then falling over. Okay, not too much drama, that would have been okay...if they didn't then commence to do the full-minute slow-mo shot of Dumbledore falling through the air. Too cliched. Too wrong.

Okay, this all leads up to the grandest failure of any of the movies/books thus far, dating all the way back to the Sorceror's Stone. Ready for it?

There is no climax.

Yes.

No Battle of the Astronomy Tower at all.

Yeah, really.

In the book, after Dumbledore dies, a huge battle breaks out. The DA reunites and begins fighting off Death Eaters. Remus nearly gets killed, Bill gets chopped up by Fenrir Greyback, etc etc. NONE of this happens. Instead, Bella sets off the Mark and they all go down to Hagrid's hut and have a torching party. No battle no climax. The Harry vs Snape confrontation isn't even that long or climactic. Snape just pwns Harry, tells him he's the Half Blood Prince, and that's the end of the scene.

Really. The movie was building up to a HUGE epic battle like in Order of the Phoenix, and THATS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOK!!! I understand ommiting some nitty-gritty details that were in the way of the already fucked up series, but really? Cutting an ENTIRE BATTLE!? THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE!?

F to the A to the I, L, URE!

So, um yeah.

Now, onto the positives, and bvelieve it or not, there ARE a few. As a movie in itself, this movie was better than the fifth. Putting canon aside (and I can't believe I just typed out those words)the mood was well set, the cast did a good job (except Lavender...I wanted to slit that stupid bitch's throat from her first close up), and the drama-to-humor ratio was very well spread out and balanced. There were quite a few scenes of really awkward dialogue, but they were all during the awkward teen romance scenes, so they actually worked. Entertaining overall, I'd rank it above Order of the Phoenix and Goblet of Fire at least. Yates at least has that going for him.

Jim Broadbent is made of win, but that's no surprise. No exceptions here. He portrayed Slughorn very well, and Slughorn is fairly complex character when you look closely at him.

If you're a Ron/Hermione shipper, this movie is definitley for you then. Yates played up the sexual tension between those two to the tenth power. So much, that any asshole watching this movie as their very first experience with Harry Potter could see that Ron and Hermione are eventually going to get married and make babies together. Lavender was just a very thin, easily conquerable barrier that really didn't have a point other than to build tension.

So, my final verdict? Weep if ye be a fan, cheer if ye only be familiar with the movies. Entertaining? Yes. Worth 9-12 dollars? Depends very much on how familiar with the books you are. If you MUST see it in theaters, don't go all out to pay for an evening show. Save yourself 2 bucks and see a matinee instead. As far as satisfying Harry Potter fans go, this movie falls so far short that Professor Flitwick could see over the top of it's head.

GRADE: C+

A Review: A Very Potter Musical

Only two words describe this musical, and the cast themselves word it perfectly: ‘Totally Awesome.’

Formerly titled ‘Harry Potter: The Musical,’ ‘A Very Potter Musical’ is the college-aged spoofapalooza that had me ROFL-ing from song to song. The jokes were GenY-culturally packed and even if you weren’t enough of a Potter Freak to get the inside-jokes (i.e. Cho Chang, Cedric Diggory and Voldemort coming out of the back of Professor Quirell’s head) you’d still laugh at the references to Seinfeld, Ghostbusters, High School Musical, and the general antics of the incredibly-talented cast members. It isn’t like the show follows HP Canon much anyway. And even as a hardcore fan, I didn’t find that too upsetting. I was too busy laughing to be upset. Whoever wrote this show needs to get their own sitcom. Or movie. Or musical. Because, to briefly escape the proper critic’s use of neutral language, they own. I am not worthy.

Darren Criss heads the cast as the title role in a unique way that kept me laughing. Usually in Potterspoofs, Harry is the all-encompassing BAMF, the equivalent of Chuck Norris in the Wizarding World (see: Potter Puppet Pals) and everyone surrounding him are his little cronies. Darren Criss, I am glad to say, did it right. Still maintaining the ‘I’m just a kid’ ‘tude while still adding a cool little spin and a sweet set of pipes, I might have fallen in love. Oh, and he even has one up on Dan Radcliffe himself: he has the shaggy black hair that’s actually canonical. Way to go! I hope to stalk you and your awesomeness one day.

As Harry’s BFFs Ron and Hermione, Joey Richter and Bonnie Gruesen also fulfilled their parts extremely well. Both good voices, both can actually act. And I won’t lie, I want Joey Richter to be my best friend and walk through the door with a giant Hershey bar whenever he’s upset. Bonnie made a very convincing Hermione, although, a little bit of critical advice: she was a little soft on the volume. As a wannabe actor, the one really critical thing I have to say for this show is that it was so good, the audience laughed way to loud, and those of us not fortunate enough to be there live could not hear a lot of the good parts. A lot of Hermione was lost on the acoustics of the room and the laughter of the audience. Bonnie, you have a great talent….SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!

I also enjoyed the performances from Jamie Lynn Beaty as Whiny-Little-Racist-Yet-Adorable-Sister Ginny (I liked her version better than the real thing…and Ginny is usually NOT on my list of favorite characters), Brian Rosenthaul as Quirell, who had better character development than the movie and book combined, not to mention I didn’t miss the annoying stutter, and Dylan Saunders as a hilarious (and slightly creepy) Dumbledore, who played up the gay while not being totally over-the-top in a very skillful way. Kudos!

My two favorite performances, though, I must say, go to the bad guys. I am now a Death Eater, sorry. Joe Walker played a totally awesome Voldemort. I fell in love with him during the show. Not to mention he gave Voldie a totally hot half-naked body during the second act and led the Death Eaters in the most epic Chorus Line of Evil I have ever seen. Also now a fan of Voldemort/Quirell fanfiction, thanks a lot, Mr. Walker. *eyeroll*

Then there’s Lauren Lopez…who I want to meet in person (along with pretty much everyone else in this cast of winners) who played Draco Malfoy. Draco’s character was much changed for the play, turning him into one of the good guys at the end, and really playing up his whininess. Not to mention, the Pigfarts Schtick Draco held throughout the whole show did not get old. Lopez has me rolling on the floor laughing…literally. Didn’t sing as much as I wanted her to…she had a TON of singing potential. Plus, her comedy was highly epic and maybe she’ll be the next Ellen Degeneres. I would be honored and awed to be on her show. As long as she wears the Draco wig (it….WAS a wig…right?)

As for the rest: all I can say is the whole cast brought the show together and pulled off the best HP spoof I’ve seen. Also, the music was extremely catchy and nicely-sung and harmonized.

A few little points, however: it was pretty obvious from the sound quality and the appearance of the vid that the play was not performed on the Main Stage of whatever college venue it was set at. And again, the volume quality was a little erratic, but that’s all technical. In my humble opinion: I think the cast should reunite on either a sound studio or a bigger stage and re-film the whole thing without an audience. Then put it on DVD and record a soundtrack. Dude, I’d buy it. There might be a matter of copyright issues from Rowling (Oh My Rowling!) with that, so I don’t know.

Also, I’d love to see this done with a bigger budget, so you, know, the uniforms of the students could actually be UNIFORM and the set could be a little more elaborate. But for what obvious little budget they had, the crew and cast did very well and was very creative with their sets and costumes.

My Verdict: PLEASE DON’T STOP!!!! MORE MORE MORE!!! COME TO MY SCHOOL AND DO A SHOW IN OUR AUDITORIUM!! I’LL GIVE YOU ALL MY MONEY!!!

My Grade: TA….for Totally Awesome.

Another Review: 10 Things I Hate About You (TV Series)

Another review for another new thing I watched this week. Tonight the TV knockoff series of the movie 10 Thing I Hate About You premiered on ABC Family, known for previous suck-ass high-school-oriented shows such as 'Secret Life of the American Teenager aka Jesus Will Punish You For Having Sex" and "Greek aka Who-The-Fuck-Cares-About-A-Bunch-Of-Shallow-Frat-Kids?" But tonight, dare I suggest ABC actually produced an entertaining show with...ZOMG....CHARACTERS? 10 Things I Hate About You just might be that show.

Starring Lindsay Shaw as the Kat, the role previously held by Julia Stiles, the show is so ridonkulously high school stereotype that it's more quasi-satire. Shaw provides a realistically-feminist character that someone like me could relate to. She makes quite a few funny witticisms and world civics references that show that she is definitley a reason to keep tuned in. She keeps her femininity and her intelligence and still comes off as a realistic girl-power character, a rarity. She's also not your stereotypical never-had-a-fella kind of girl, as it is blatantly stated in the pilot episode that she is not a virgin. Plus the girl carries a fucking stun gun! That's BAMFish.

It's clear that Lindsay has grown up from her 'Ned's Declassified' days. Way to go, girl!

Another reason to watch the show another week is Nick Braun, who plays geekalicious Cameron, who develops a crush on bimbo-headed Bianca within ten minutes of the pilot. Cameron made several Harry Potter references AND dressed up as Darth Vader within the first half of the show. That's what I call promise. He seems like he's going to make an adorable nerd, and let's face it, who DOESNT love an adorable nerd?

Oh, and there's a fat chick. Lindsay's character's best friend is an artsy fat chick. As I am ALSO an artsy fat chick, I must say i approve of the fact that not EVERYONE isn't a model on this show. I hope to see more of the fat chick artist.

Now for the downsides, which I must admit there are several...I'm not too thrilled that the movie, a hit with the teens of my generation, has been remade into a TV show at all with come second-class writers. The actors really carry the show, and that's good, but the writing is very choppy, full of cliches, and moderatley *facepalm*-inducing. The school, including the staff, has blatantly mixed up the ideas of public-school and private-school, and only Kat seems to be the only one who gets that this is a public school and not everyone has to suck up to the most popular girl in school (i.e. the chick who looks like Gabrielle Union's clone). That's too much of a cliche by itself. Too passe.

Plus, in addition to the bad writing, the show obviously spent so much time converting the movie to the TV show that they forgot the MOVIE was a retelling of Taming of the Shrew. Other than names and the fact that the youngest sister can't go out before the older sister, there are NO similarities between the TV Show and the play. Disappointing.

Also, it's a shame that it looks like Lindsay's character has said three words to ex-Heath-Ledger character Patrick and she already might be in love with him. Damn. I didn't like that she seemed so taken by him so quickly. How anti-feminist.

My verdict: Worth watching another episode, keeping our fingers crossed that the writing improves and giving a thumb's up to the surprisingly-good acting. It's definitley better than 'Secret Life's' hoard of scardy-virgins or 'Greek's' unrelatisic The OC/Barbie hos.

My grade: B

Romeo x Juliet: A Review

For once, I come not to rant about something that pisses me off. For once, I am going to actually say something positive about an anime that I stumbled upon this week. I was intrigued because it was an anime adaptation of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Honestly, I thought it was going to suck, but I was hoked by the end of the first of the 24 episodes. All 24 can be found with English subtitles on Youtube, and I strongly suggest you check them out.

To summarize: the story takes place in futuristic Neo-Verona, an aerial kingdom that was once ruled but the kindly Capulet family. However, the aggresive rival Montague house usurped the archdukedom and slaughtered all of the Capulets, save for 2-year-old Juliet, who escaped via Pegasus with her 8-year-old maid, Cordelia, who eventually evolves into the Nurse-like character from the original play. Rumors soon surface that a Capulet survived the genocide, and a manhunt begins for the girl.

Fast-forward 14 years. Juliet and Cordelia have been living with a group of witty and wiley Capulet-sympathizers above an old stage. Juliet is one day off from her 16th birthday, and has spent her youth masquerading as a peasant boy in order to be safe from society. She moonlights as the Red Whirlwind, a robin-hood figure who saves the common folk from the cruelty of the Montague Dictatorship. All her life, she has not understood why she has been forced to dress in drag, and she is constantly told that on her 16th birthday she will find out. Meanwhile young Romeo Montague, the heir to the archdukedom, has become betrothed to Hermione, a soft spoken noble, and a Rose Ball is to be thrown in their favor. Romeo and his confidante Benvolio aren't so sure about the engagement, and as Romeo wanders town, he and the Red Whirlwind happen to meet for the first time.

Through some strange twists and mistaken identities, it is Juliet that is put in a dress and mask instead of a fellow outcast and taken to the Rose Ball, where she and Romeo have that chance first meeting. She and Romeo learn each other's names and, of course, are immediatley smitten. But Juliet is whisked away quickly, and she and Romeo want nothing more than to see each other again.

Of course, that gets complicated really fast. The next night at Juliet's birthday party, she is told of her history and her destiny to restore the Capulet dukedom. She is so overwhelmed she passes out, and later, when she puts two and two together, she realizes she can never love Romeo, whose father killed her family and forced her into hiding. However, Romeo pursues her regardless and the two pair up, even as times get much worse. Archduke Montague has increased his manhunt for the surviving Capulet girl and even targets Benvolio's family as potential enemies. Juliet eventually learns via an old gardner named Ophelia that the reason Neo Verona is falling apart at the seams is because the Sacred Tree Escalus is dying, and Juliet's true destiny is to let the tree take her life to restore peace to Neo Verona...

The first thing that really impressed me about this anime was the obvious and rare gender-role reversal. Romeo, the male lead, is the one who's life is being laid out for him, while Juliet is the one who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty to save her people. Also, while in all too many Shakespearean interpretations, the lady lead is the one who is the damsel in distress who needs the male to save her. Not here, which is even odd for anime. Juliet and Romeo are portrayed from the get-go as equals in strength, skill, intelligence, and courage. Sadly, this is essentially the only place this is seen, as elsewhere in the anime you see the typical weak-women and strong-men stereotype. Cordelia is the only other female in Juliet's band of rebels, and she is typically virtuous and soft-tempered while the other men in the group are the ones who always come to back Juliet during her battles.

It is certainly refreshing and it really helps with manipulating a viewer's emotions that the two main characters are relatable. Romeo isn't a whiny brat and Juliet isn't a virtuous, naive shut-in like in most interpretations. You aren't sure as you watch this whether the characters will live or die, and you actually want them to live, unlike in every other R+J remakes that are more faithful to the original and really couldn't care less about their fates and they're musing over each other gets annoying fast. This is a rare case where an update and deviation from the original is a good thing.

Another interesting aspect is the characters themselves in the anime and which roles they take on in the interpretation of the classic story itself. Friar Lawrence is actually Romeo's mother, who broke away from the Montague name after she saw how cruel her husband was. Tybalt is actually a bastard son of Montague whose mother was raped by him, and he sides with the Capulets and is therefore a good character. Mercutio is the opposite. He is another bastard son of Montague (apparently he got around a lot) and is just like his father: self-interested, ruthless, and conniving. Benvolio and his family also eventually take sides with the Capulets and he actually marries and has a child with Cordelia by the epilogue. Then there's an amusing caracature of Shakespeare himself, in the form of a writer's-block-ridden director/playwright who owns the theater where Juliet and her rebels take shelter.

The whole plot is very well conceived for both an anime and a Shakespearean-Update. It's enough separation from the archtype that you still aren't sure what's going to happen, but is still loyal enough that your emotions from reading/seeing the original are uprooted and brought to the urface all over again. The animation isn't the best I've ever seen, but I personally must say I am proud that Juliet was protrayed as a redhead! The overall grade i give this is an A- for a few flaws here and there that every show has, but still probably one of the best animes I've ever seen, and one of the best Shakespearean interpretations to date! Definitely a tear-jerking adventure that keeps your interest until the very last scene.

The Rant Of a Lifetime (aka Lets Brutally Massacre Members of the GOP)

Guys, be prepraed. The rant you are about to read probably has more swear words and vulgarities than you have heard in your lifetime.

Okay, so here's the straight-up story so you know why I'm slightly tweaked: The GOP coup'ed the NY State Senate from the Dems, who only had control fo it for, like, 4 months. They bribed two on-the-aisle Dems from the Bronx to vote with them, so it passed. Now the GOP is in control...AGAIN...against the popular VOTE, who VOTED for the Democratic Majority. Which means, essentially, is that the gay marriage bill which I have worked my ass off to help ensure is passed by the end of the month will most liekly be shot down until it can be brought up again in, like, ANOTHER 40 years. This was unexpected, pre-meditated, and came out of nowhere.

THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.

Seriously, fuck that goddamn bull-fucking shit. Who do those twat-sucking, slimy, self-obsessed snakes think they are to do that totally bitchy (yet sadly legal) maneuver? Yeah, folk, this cuntjob is 100% legal. Wanna know why? Because of the representative system we have in this mudsucking country!! The same system that illegally elected George Bush in 2000 and was responible for a lovely 8-year ride right into the fires of hell for this country!! Has this country learned NOTHING?!?!?! FUCK THAT FUCKSHIT!!! The people own this country (or, are supposed to). WE HAVE NO SAY HERE, PEOPLE. The direction in which this styate has been heading has just been stolen from us because of a bribe and a bunch of straw-sucking motherfucking self-interested white upper class WASP assholes who want nothing more than power to further their own interests and NOT the interests of their people!!! WE MEAN NOTHING!!!

Pardon my French, here, folks, but each and every member of the GOP is a slimy, ugly, nasty, two-faced son of a bitch who's mother was a whore with AIDS and herpes and whose father was in the closet and onyl slept with their mother because they felt sorry that she was fat and had an IQ of 16. Forrest Gump beat every one fo them on the SAT in high school and the only reason they're married is because they paid their spouses big bucks.

Really, this is bad, bad, bad. I have worked my ass off to help further the cause of human rights, and hah, if anyone is anti-human rights, it the GOP clowns.

And to think, the cause of all this is two Democrats-who-should-be-Republicans!! They took the bribe (probably money, yes?) and got greedy and sold their whole districts out! And this is NYC they represent, people. If it were, like the Adirondacks, I'd somewhat understand. But these clowns were senators of one of the most liberal cities on Earth.

The end is nigh. Start stocking up the ol' fallout shelters, because the COUNTRY IS FUCKED!!!

MY Personal Picks for the Top 10 Songs of the 80s!

Okay, bitches. I haven’t been on in awhile because of my slave driving job. So, here I am now, sneaking in some time a day before my birthday, and I’m here to bitch about those dumb NTV and VH1 lists of Top 10 80s songs. You know, the ones that are constantly topped by Living on a Prayer and Hungry Like the Wolf? Yeah. Not that those aren’t awesome songs, but I feel those lists rank a bunch of really good songs below where they ought to be. So I’m creating my OWN Top 10 List of what in MY opinion are the Best Songs of the 1980s. If you disagree with me, fuck you. *Flips you off*

10.) Men at Work: Land Down Under
This song ended up becoming the unofficial anthem of Australia, it got so big! The music video made me bust a gut laughing the first time I watched it, and the words sound like a fairy tale written by a stoned koala, but its still a pretty epic song that deserves a lot more. So, whip up a vegemite sandwich and plug in your iPods!

9.) Madonna: Material Girl
Madonna had to make the Top 10 somehow, but it’s almost always ‘Like a Virgin’ that makes it (OMG, virgins…tee hee). I personally prefer Material Girl because it’s got a much truer message that I myself live by in my bitter loneliness up until I met my current manmeat. Every girl knows the words to this song, or at least knows of this song and has to shake their head in agreement.

8.) Journey: Don’t Stop Believing
I think this one made it to #11 on the VH1 list, but VH1 fails, because this song is classic awesome. It deserves a Top 10 spot because this song has become the theme of pretty much every second-rate athletic team in the world, not to mention during the latter part of the 80s is was played at practically every non-religiously-affiliated wedding in America. It’s power chords and iconic message can pump some much-needed energy into even MY day.

7.) A-Ha: Take On Me
I think in the past week alone as I was driving my car to work, I heard this song at least 5 times. Goes to show you how iconic this song really is. The music video is twice as epic as the song (check it out!) and it really made me want to buy a comic book. Plus, the lead singer’s falsettos make even me, a female who happens to have an Alto I voice insane with jealousy.

6.) Soft Cell: Tainted Love
I always pictures my first breakup being to the tune of this song. The vid is creepy (both versions), but the song is the ultimate breakup song of the 80s. One I ran to you, now I run from you…

5.) Pat Benatar: Heartbreaker
A girl-power anthem and my favorite from yon Pat Benatar. Usually Love is a Battlefield scores higher, and that one does run a close second, but Heartbreaker is such a classic, it makes me sad seeing it come in at, like number 50.

4.) Billy Idol: White Wedding
My personal favorite song to wind down a bad day with because it makes me more pissed, and that makes me more happy (flips off grammar Nazis). If I ever have to sing this to my little sister, I’ll probably be too pissed to sign it in key. But really, this song is great.

3.) Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams
I think it was Allie who said this was the ultimate song to have sex to. It definitely has the mood music and the...um….words I still don’t get after listening to it my whole life. But yeah, I’ll agree. It definitely does something to me. ;)

2.) Devo: Whip It
Probably if anyone had to associate a single song with the 1980s, this would be it for a lot of people. Those flowerpot-wearing fools made this a one-hit wonder…probably because by 1984, people had it with those nutjobs. Still, this song with its heavy reliance on the computer synthesizer and organ for melody, practically revolutionized music just in time for the rest of the 80s!

1.) Michael Jackson: Thriller
Okay honestly, how did this one ever NOT make it into the Top 10, let alone #1?!?! DEFINITLEY Michael Jackson’s Magnum Opus! I’ve seen Billie Jean score higher on most lists I’ve looked up…but really??? Thriller NOT being #1?? Give me a break, fucktards! This song and it’s music video is absolute legend!

Americanizing Foreign Films: DON’T!!!

Today I’m going to mindlessly bitch about a topic that makes me nervous every time I think about it: American remakes of awesome foreign films. I want to rant about why it’s wrong, why it doesn’t work, and why it’s wronger than it was three seconds ago when I first typed that it was wrong. To do that, I feel I must use a hypothetical example that ALMOST happened, but the idea has since descended into Production Hell, where it deserves to stay for eternity.

And yes, it involves Battle Royale. Fuck you, bitch.

A few years ago, an idea was started in Hollywood to remake the epic Japanese (because everything epic is Japanese) action/psychological horror film Battle Royale. It was eventually scrapped because of the Virginia Tech shootings and it was considered insensitive. The very idea of Battle Royale being Americanized is fucking scary and downright disturbing.

Battle Royale, if you’re a poor enough soul to have not seen it, is basically about Japan in a futuristic Militaristic Totalitarian state where once a year, one class is chosen to be kidnapped, taken to this remote location, given weapons, and told to kill each other in 3 days. They are tagged with explosives so they cannot escape, and if there is more than one survivor after 3 days, the explosives go off and no one survives.

Immediately, can’t you think of ninety thousand ways Americans would fuck up this film? Well, maybe you’re not a total nerd like I am, but I certainly can, and most of them don’t even have to do with the plot itself, although the first and most obvious thing that comes to mind is the fact that the plot will be ‘cleaned up’ and ‘dumbed down’ for the American audience. Hell, Battle Royale isn’t even distributed in the US, and my DVD copy is an import with crappy subtitles. The Japanese didn’t hesitate to spill the blood and make it good and gross. Americanized Battle Royale would be a lot more visual effects and a lot more fluff.

Another thing about the real Battle Royale I adore is the relationships between the students. ALL of the students. In the movie, you could really feel they were a class. Each one of the characters, even the very minor ones, had backstories within themselves and with others. What American movies do a lot is they focus so much on the main characters the minor characters have NO development. And also, everything is so damn clique-ish. In BR they purposefully created a sense of unity within the class in some aspects, which made the fact that they killed each other more chilling and intense. America would bypass that mood completely and get right to the general plot with Nanahara and Noriko.

Which brings me to another point. BR casted a LOT of newcomers in the film. Tatsuya Fujiwara’s first major film was BR, and the movie used very few veterans. America would go for the all-star cast led by Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus. Who would fuck it up because they suck at life, and the whole thing would be ruined.

Not to mention in casting, the American BR would have 40 white, middle-class hotties with the exception of maybe ONE or TWO black people. They would all be hot beach bunnies with little life and personality outside sex and their cliques. Just like every other American movie that takes place in high school from 2000 on. At least in BR the students, while all Japanese (for obvious reasons) we still so diverse in character and actors. Most of them were new. There were ugly and awkward guys and even a few chubby girls mixed in with the pretty girls and the hot sports star guys. That further makes the Japanese movie creepy and effective. The class gave the illusion of an AVERAGE class, not a private school from Orange County. Oh, and the personalities were so diverse too. Loud girls, quiet girls, horny boys, bullies, and bookish dudes! American movies just don’t do that ever. American movies just seem to hate diversified casts. That would ruin the eeriness BR had.

Because the point the director was trying to make when making it was to have you ask yourself, “If that were my class, what would I do?” How can you ask that if you have hard time believing that these blonde, tones 20-somethings trying to play young teens are in any way relatable to you?

One more major thing (among many others…damn, I really could go on all night about this) that Americanizing BR would fail at is the plot. BR is just as much psychological as it is a bloodbath. American directors would dumb down the psychology and so right for the guts. The psychology is what makes it such a damn great movie! It would just be a straight-up slasher flick that would have no long-term impact on the minds of it’s audience. Because that’s the American way, and it sucks.

Damn, you would’ve thought I was a Canadian the way I keep expressing my hatred for the crap-ass American media…but anyway, that’s all I got to say ‘bout that.