Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Movie

Picture if you will:

It's the highly-anticipated premiere of the Sixth Harry Potter movie, JK Rowling is sitting in the theater waiting for the movie based on her awesome work to begin. Soon, the lights dim and the picture begins. Rowling watches the first 20 minutes or so....and begins getting confused. Halfway through the film, she gets up and asks the usher who is walking down the aisle, "I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong theater. I'm supposed to be in the theater showing the movie based off my books..."

Yeah, it might have really happened. No exaggeration. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was anything but based on the book. I am frankly amazed at how many details they avoided, fucked around with, and still they managed to keep the names spelled the same. If you're a hardcore fan, have read ALL the books, you will want to laugh at this movie and at David Yates for getting himself into such deep trouble for when he does Deathly Hallows I and II. I am one of those people, and let me explain to you just a FEW of the major failures I found...(SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO CARE TOO MUCH AND STILL PLAN TO SEE THE MOVIE)

Fail #1: The portrayal of Apparition. In the books, Apparition is how a wizard transports themselves from one place to another quickly with only a popping sound to signal their arrival or departure. In the movie, Apparition is this whole swirlie thign that's very similar to how Portkey travel in Movie 4 was protrayed. FAIL. And that's not all: Apparition tests aren't even brought up in the book, and the word itself isn't used until Harry mentions it towards the end when he and Dumbledore head to the cave where the Slytherin locket is. DOUBLE FAIL.

Fail #2: Remus/Tonks. They only had one scene together, and when you're a person who sails this ship wholeheartedly, like I, you are severely disappointed. Bear in mind, I also wrote a 119,000+ word full novel-length fanfic telling the whole Remus Tonks story from a completely canonical standpoint, so vcery few were more disappointed than I when they only had one scene together, and even then they are sitting on opposite sides of a table talking not to each other, but Harry. The only indication they are even a couple is in one brief shot Tonks mumbles, "What is it, sweetheart?" and the close-up goes to Remus staring out into a field. They MARRY and have a SON in the next movie. How are we going to explain this, Monsieur Yates? There was supposed to be TENSION! SEXUAL TENSION!!! *eyeroll* What, are they going to survive the final battle now? (Actually, that'd be kinda okay).

Fail #3: Harry/Ginny's get together. Okay, this failure blindsited me, because I was sitting in the theater expecting the movie to be ALL Harry mooning over Ginny. There was very little implication that Harry gets a crush on Ginny until Hermione mentions it. To be honest, there is so much hand-holding and tears between Harry and Hermione I half expected THEM to pair up instead. Though on the positive side, the kiss was actually not too awkward, and the scene where Ginny kisses Harry was actually kind of cute. But if you didn't read the books, you'd be sitting there watching the kiss and be all WTF ARE THEY DOING???

Fail #4: The fact that apparently wizards don't know how to use their wands. No, that was NOT an inneuendo (unless you wanted it to be). During the infamous non-canonical 'Attack at the Burrow' insert scene (whbich, really, wasnt worth the hype, as it was prolly no more than 4 minutes long and not that big a damn deal) Bellatrix creates a ring of fire around the Burrow and begins burning the house. Remus and Tonks go at the fire, seemingly making it dance around with their wands (presumably looking for an opening through which to escape). Um...what happened to Aguamenti? A simply Aguamenti would have calmed those flames down and put out the burning house. Then, after the Death Eaters leave, the whole family just stands gaping like morons at the burning house. Um....Aguamenti, anyone? Dumbfucks. I think the most ironic part of this fail is that Harry uses the spell, words and all, later in the cave with Dumbledore. Gee, thanks, Harry. You let your best friend's house burn to the ground but you managed to put water into a cup for Dumbledore! Ass.

Fail #5: Dumbledore's Death. Okay, so this was going to be a huge fail no matter how it was portrayed, butthe way it was done was so....awkward. The shot is taken from beneath, and all you see is Dumbledore getting shot at with the sparks (which seemed mroe BLUE than green....uberfailure) and then falling over. Okay, not too much drama, that would have been okay...if they didn't then commence to do the full-minute slow-mo shot of Dumbledore falling through the air. Too cliched. Too wrong.

Okay, this all leads up to the grandest failure of any of the movies/books thus far, dating all the way back to the Sorceror's Stone. Ready for it?

There is no climax.

Yes.

No Battle of the Astronomy Tower at all.

Yeah, really.

In the book, after Dumbledore dies, a huge battle breaks out. The DA reunites and begins fighting off Death Eaters. Remus nearly gets killed, Bill gets chopped up by Fenrir Greyback, etc etc. NONE of this happens. Instead, Bella sets off the Mark and they all go down to Hagrid's hut and have a torching party. No battle no climax. The Harry vs Snape confrontation isn't even that long or climactic. Snape just pwns Harry, tells him he's the Half Blood Prince, and that's the end of the scene.

Really. The movie was building up to a HUGE epic battle like in Order of the Phoenix, and THATS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOK!!! I understand ommiting some nitty-gritty details that were in the way of the already fucked up series, but really? Cutting an ENTIRE BATTLE!? THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE!?

F to the A to the I, L, URE!

So, um yeah.

Now, onto the positives, and bvelieve it or not, there ARE a few. As a movie in itself, this movie was better than the fifth. Putting canon aside (and I can't believe I just typed out those words)the mood was well set, the cast did a good job (except Lavender...I wanted to slit that stupid bitch's throat from her first close up), and the drama-to-humor ratio was very well spread out and balanced. There were quite a few scenes of really awkward dialogue, but they were all during the awkward teen romance scenes, so they actually worked. Entertaining overall, I'd rank it above Order of the Phoenix and Goblet of Fire at least. Yates at least has that going for him.

Jim Broadbent is made of win, but that's no surprise. No exceptions here. He portrayed Slughorn very well, and Slughorn is fairly complex character when you look closely at him.

If you're a Ron/Hermione shipper, this movie is definitley for you then. Yates played up the sexual tension between those two to the tenth power. So much, that any asshole watching this movie as their very first experience with Harry Potter could see that Ron and Hermione are eventually going to get married and make babies together. Lavender was just a very thin, easily conquerable barrier that really didn't have a point other than to build tension.

So, my final verdict? Weep if ye be a fan, cheer if ye only be familiar with the movies. Entertaining? Yes. Worth 9-12 dollars? Depends very much on how familiar with the books you are. If you MUST see it in theaters, don't go all out to pay for an evening show. Save yourself 2 bucks and see a matinee instead. As far as satisfying Harry Potter fans go, this movie falls so far short that Professor Flitwick could see over the top of it's head.

GRADE: C+