Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Movie

Picture if you will:

It's the highly-anticipated premiere of the Sixth Harry Potter movie, JK Rowling is sitting in the theater waiting for the movie based on her awesome work to begin. Soon, the lights dim and the picture begins. Rowling watches the first 20 minutes or so....and begins getting confused. Halfway through the film, she gets up and asks the usher who is walking down the aisle, "I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong theater. I'm supposed to be in the theater showing the movie based off my books..."

Yeah, it might have really happened. No exaggeration. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was anything but based on the book. I am frankly amazed at how many details they avoided, fucked around with, and still they managed to keep the names spelled the same. If you're a hardcore fan, have read ALL the books, you will want to laugh at this movie and at David Yates for getting himself into such deep trouble for when he does Deathly Hallows I and II. I am one of those people, and let me explain to you just a FEW of the major failures I found...(SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO CARE TOO MUCH AND STILL PLAN TO SEE THE MOVIE)

Fail #1: The portrayal of Apparition. In the books, Apparition is how a wizard transports themselves from one place to another quickly with only a popping sound to signal their arrival or departure. In the movie, Apparition is this whole swirlie thign that's very similar to how Portkey travel in Movie 4 was protrayed. FAIL. And that's not all: Apparition tests aren't even brought up in the book, and the word itself isn't used until Harry mentions it towards the end when he and Dumbledore head to the cave where the Slytherin locket is. DOUBLE FAIL.

Fail #2: Remus/Tonks. They only had one scene together, and when you're a person who sails this ship wholeheartedly, like I, you are severely disappointed. Bear in mind, I also wrote a 119,000+ word full novel-length fanfic telling the whole Remus Tonks story from a completely canonical standpoint, so vcery few were more disappointed than I when they only had one scene together, and even then they are sitting on opposite sides of a table talking not to each other, but Harry. The only indication they are even a couple is in one brief shot Tonks mumbles, "What is it, sweetheart?" and the close-up goes to Remus staring out into a field. They MARRY and have a SON in the next movie. How are we going to explain this, Monsieur Yates? There was supposed to be TENSION! SEXUAL TENSION!!! *eyeroll* What, are they going to survive the final battle now? (Actually, that'd be kinda okay).

Fail #3: Harry/Ginny's get together. Okay, this failure blindsited me, because I was sitting in the theater expecting the movie to be ALL Harry mooning over Ginny. There was very little implication that Harry gets a crush on Ginny until Hermione mentions it. To be honest, there is so much hand-holding and tears between Harry and Hermione I half expected THEM to pair up instead. Though on the positive side, the kiss was actually not too awkward, and the scene where Ginny kisses Harry was actually kind of cute. But if you didn't read the books, you'd be sitting there watching the kiss and be all WTF ARE THEY DOING???

Fail #4: The fact that apparently wizards don't know how to use their wands. No, that was NOT an inneuendo (unless you wanted it to be). During the infamous non-canonical 'Attack at the Burrow' insert scene (whbich, really, wasnt worth the hype, as it was prolly no more than 4 minutes long and not that big a damn deal) Bellatrix creates a ring of fire around the Burrow and begins burning the house. Remus and Tonks go at the fire, seemingly making it dance around with their wands (presumably looking for an opening through which to escape). Um...what happened to Aguamenti? A simply Aguamenti would have calmed those flames down and put out the burning house. Then, after the Death Eaters leave, the whole family just stands gaping like morons at the burning house. Um....Aguamenti, anyone? Dumbfucks. I think the most ironic part of this fail is that Harry uses the spell, words and all, later in the cave with Dumbledore. Gee, thanks, Harry. You let your best friend's house burn to the ground but you managed to put water into a cup for Dumbledore! Ass.

Fail #5: Dumbledore's Death. Okay, so this was going to be a huge fail no matter how it was portrayed, butthe way it was done was so....awkward. The shot is taken from beneath, and all you see is Dumbledore getting shot at with the sparks (which seemed mroe BLUE than green....uberfailure) and then falling over. Okay, not too much drama, that would have been okay...if they didn't then commence to do the full-minute slow-mo shot of Dumbledore falling through the air. Too cliched. Too wrong.

Okay, this all leads up to the grandest failure of any of the movies/books thus far, dating all the way back to the Sorceror's Stone. Ready for it?

There is no climax.

Yes.

No Battle of the Astronomy Tower at all.

Yeah, really.

In the book, after Dumbledore dies, a huge battle breaks out. The DA reunites and begins fighting off Death Eaters. Remus nearly gets killed, Bill gets chopped up by Fenrir Greyback, etc etc. NONE of this happens. Instead, Bella sets off the Mark and they all go down to Hagrid's hut and have a torching party. No battle no climax. The Harry vs Snape confrontation isn't even that long or climactic. Snape just pwns Harry, tells him he's the Half Blood Prince, and that's the end of the scene.

Really. The movie was building up to a HUGE epic battle like in Order of the Phoenix, and THATS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOK!!! I understand ommiting some nitty-gritty details that were in the way of the already fucked up series, but really? Cutting an ENTIRE BATTLE!? THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE!?

F to the A to the I, L, URE!

So, um yeah.

Now, onto the positives, and bvelieve it or not, there ARE a few. As a movie in itself, this movie was better than the fifth. Putting canon aside (and I can't believe I just typed out those words)the mood was well set, the cast did a good job (except Lavender...I wanted to slit that stupid bitch's throat from her first close up), and the drama-to-humor ratio was very well spread out and balanced. There were quite a few scenes of really awkward dialogue, but they were all during the awkward teen romance scenes, so they actually worked. Entertaining overall, I'd rank it above Order of the Phoenix and Goblet of Fire at least. Yates at least has that going for him.

Jim Broadbent is made of win, but that's no surprise. No exceptions here. He portrayed Slughorn very well, and Slughorn is fairly complex character when you look closely at him.

If you're a Ron/Hermione shipper, this movie is definitley for you then. Yates played up the sexual tension between those two to the tenth power. So much, that any asshole watching this movie as their very first experience with Harry Potter could see that Ron and Hermione are eventually going to get married and make babies together. Lavender was just a very thin, easily conquerable barrier that really didn't have a point other than to build tension.

So, my final verdict? Weep if ye be a fan, cheer if ye only be familiar with the movies. Entertaining? Yes. Worth 9-12 dollars? Depends very much on how familiar with the books you are. If you MUST see it in theaters, don't go all out to pay for an evening show. Save yourself 2 bucks and see a matinee instead. As far as satisfying Harry Potter fans go, this movie falls so far short that Professor Flitwick could see over the top of it's head.

GRADE: C+

A Review: A Very Potter Musical

Only two words describe this musical, and the cast themselves word it perfectly: ‘Totally Awesome.’

Formerly titled ‘Harry Potter: The Musical,’ ‘A Very Potter Musical’ is the college-aged spoofapalooza that had me ROFL-ing from song to song. The jokes were GenY-culturally packed and even if you weren’t enough of a Potter Freak to get the inside-jokes (i.e. Cho Chang, Cedric Diggory and Voldemort coming out of the back of Professor Quirell’s head) you’d still laugh at the references to Seinfeld, Ghostbusters, High School Musical, and the general antics of the incredibly-talented cast members. It isn’t like the show follows HP Canon much anyway. And even as a hardcore fan, I didn’t find that too upsetting. I was too busy laughing to be upset. Whoever wrote this show needs to get their own sitcom. Or movie. Or musical. Because, to briefly escape the proper critic’s use of neutral language, they own. I am not worthy.

Darren Criss heads the cast as the title role in a unique way that kept me laughing. Usually in Potterspoofs, Harry is the all-encompassing BAMF, the equivalent of Chuck Norris in the Wizarding World (see: Potter Puppet Pals) and everyone surrounding him are his little cronies. Darren Criss, I am glad to say, did it right. Still maintaining the ‘I’m just a kid’ ‘tude while still adding a cool little spin and a sweet set of pipes, I might have fallen in love. Oh, and he even has one up on Dan Radcliffe himself: he has the shaggy black hair that’s actually canonical. Way to go! I hope to stalk you and your awesomeness one day.

As Harry’s BFFs Ron and Hermione, Joey Richter and Bonnie Gruesen also fulfilled their parts extremely well. Both good voices, both can actually act. And I won’t lie, I want Joey Richter to be my best friend and walk through the door with a giant Hershey bar whenever he’s upset. Bonnie made a very convincing Hermione, although, a little bit of critical advice: she was a little soft on the volume. As a wannabe actor, the one really critical thing I have to say for this show is that it was so good, the audience laughed way to loud, and those of us not fortunate enough to be there live could not hear a lot of the good parts. A lot of Hermione was lost on the acoustics of the room and the laughter of the audience. Bonnie, you have a great talent….SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!

I also enjoyed the performances from Jamie Lynn Beaty as Whiny-Little-Racist-Yet-Adorable-Sister Ginny (I liked her version better than the real thing…and Ginny is usually NOT on my list of favorite characters), Brian Rosenthaul as Quirell, who had better character development than the movie and book combined, not to mention I didn’t miss the annoying stutter, and Dylan Saunders as a hilarious (and slightly creepy) Dumbledore, who played up the gay while not being totally over-the-top in a very skillful way. Kudos!

My two favorite performances, though, I must say, go to the bad guys. I am now a Death Eater, sorry. Joe Walker played a totally awesome Voldemort. I fell in love with him during the show. Not to mention he gave Voldie a totally hot half-naked body during the second act and led the Death Eaters in the most epic Chorus Line of Evil I have ever seen. Also now a fan of Voldemort/Quirell fanfiction, thanks a lot, Mr. Walker. *eyeroll*

Then there’s Lauren Lopez…who I want to meet in person (along with pretty much everyone else in this cast of winners) who played Draco Malfoy. Draco’s character was much changed for the play, turning him into one of the good guys at the end, and really playing up his whininess. Not to mention, the Pigfarts Schtick Draco held throughout the whole show did not get old. Lopez has me rolling on the floor laughing…literally. Didn’t sing as much as I wanted her to…she had a TON of singing potential. Plus, her comedy was highly epic and maybe she’ll be the next Ellen Degeneres. I would be honored and awed to be on her show. As long as she wears the Draco wig (it….WAS a wig…right?)

As for the rest: all I can say is the whole cast brought the show together and pulled off the best HP spoof I’ve seen. Also, the music was extremely catchy and nicely-sung and harmonized.

A few little points, however: it was pretty obvious from the sound quality and the appearance of the vid that the play was not performed on the Main Stage of whatever college venue it was set at. And again, the volume quality was a little erratic, but that’s all technical. In my humble opinion: I think the cast should reunite on either a sound studio or a bigger stage and re-film the whole thing without an audience. Then put it on DVD and record a soundtrack. Dude, I’d buy it. There might be a matter of copyright issues from Rowling (Oh My Rowling!) with that, so I don’t know.

Also, I’d love to see this done with a bigger budget, so you, know, the uniforms of the students could actually be UNIFORM and the set could be a little more elaborate. But for what obvious little budget they had, the crew and cast did very well and was very creative with their sets and costumes.

My Verdict: PLEASE DON’T STOP!!!! MORE MORE MORE!!! COME TO MY SCHOOL AND DO A SHOW IN OUR AUDITORIUM!! I’LL GIVE YOU ALL MY MONEY!!!

My Grade: TA….for Totally Awesome.

Another Review: 10 Things I Hate About You (TV Series)

Another review for another new thing I watched this week. Tonight the TV knockoff series of the movie 10 Thing I Hate About You premiered on ABC Family, known for previous suck-ass high-school-oriented shows such as 'Secret Life of the American Teenager aka Jesus Will Punish You For Having Sex" and "Greek aka Who-The-Fuck-Cares-About-A-Bunch-Of-Shallow-Frat-Kids?" But tonight, dare I suggest ABC actually produced an entertaining show with...ZOMG....CHARACTERS? 10 Things I Hate About You just might be that show.

Starring Lindsay Shaw as the Kat, the role previously held by Julia Stiles, the show is so ridonkulously high school stereotype that it's more quasi-satire. Shaw provides a realistically-feminist character that someone like me could relate to. She makes quite a few funny witticisms and world civics references that show that she is definitley a reason to keep tuned in. She keeps her femininity and her intelligence and still comes off as a realistic girl-power character, a rarity. She's also not your stereotypical never-had-a-fella kind of girl, as it is blatantly stated in the pilot episode that she is not a virgin. Plus the girl carries a fucking stun gun! That's BAMFish.

It's clear that Lindsay has grown up from her 'Ned's Declassified' days. Way to go, girl!

Another reason to watch the show another week is Nick Braun, who plays geekalicious Cameron, who develops a crush on bimbo-headed Bianca within ten minutes of the pilot. Cameron made several Harry Potter references AND dressed up as Darth Vader within the first half of the show. That's what I call promise. He seems like he's going to make an adorable nerd, and let's face it, who DOESNT love an adorable nerd?

Oh, and there's a fat chick. Lindsay's character's best friend is an artsy fat chick. As I am ALSO an artsy fat chick, I must say i approve of the fact that not EVERYONE isn't a model on this show. I hope to see more of the fat chick artist.

Now for the downsides, which I must admit there are several...I'm not too thrilled that the movie, a hit with the teens of my generation, has been remade into a TV show at all with come second-class writers. The actors really carry the show, and that's good, but the writing is very choppy, full of cliches, and moderatley *facepalm*-inducing. The school, including the staff, has blatantly mixed up the ideas of public-school and private-school, and only Kat seems to be the only one who gets that this is a public school and not everyone has to suck up to the most popular girl in school (i.e. the chick who looks like Gabrielle Union's clone). That's too much of a cliche by itself. Too passe.

Plus, in addition to the bad writing, the show obviously spent so much time converting the movie to the TV show that they forgot the MOVIE was a retelling of Taming of the Shrew. Other than names and the fact that the youngest sister can't go out before the older sister, there are NO similarities between the TV Show and the play. Disappointing.

Also, it's a shame that it looks like Lindsay's character has said three words to ex-Heath-Ledger character Patrick and she already might be in love with him. Damn. I didn't like that she seemed so taken by him so quickly. How anti-feminist.

My verdict: Worth watching another episode, keeping our fingers crossed that the writing improves and giving a thumb's up to the surprisingly-good acting. It's definitley better than 'Secret Life's' hoard of scardy-virgins or 'Greek's' unrelatisic The OC/Barbie hos.

My grade: B

Romeo x Juliet: A Review

For once, I come not to rant about something that pisses me off. For once, I am going to actually say something positive about an anime that I stumbled upon this week. I was intrigued because it was an anime adaptation of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Honestly, I thought it was going to suck, but I was hoked by the end of the first of the 24 episodes. All 24 can be found with English subtitles on Youtube, and I strongly suggest you check them out.

To summarize: the story takes place in futuristic Neo-Verona, an aerial kingdom that was once ruled but the kindly Capulet family. However, the aggresive rival Montague house usurped the archdukedom and slaughtered all of the Capulets, save for 2-year-old Juliet, who escaped via Pegasus with her 8-year-old maid, Cordelia, who eventually evolves into the Nurse-like character from the original play. Rumors soon surface that a Capulet survived the genocide, and a manhunt begins for the girl.

Fast-forward 14 years. Juliet and Cordelia have been living with a group of witty and wiley Capulet-sympathizers above an old stage. Juliet is one day off from her 16th birthday, and has spent her youth masquerading as a peasant boy in order to be safe from society. She moonlights as the Red Whirlwind, a robin-hood figure who saves the common folk from the cruelty of the Montague Dictatorship. All her life, she has not understood why she has been forced to dress in drag, and she is constantly told that on her 16th birthday she will find out. Meanwhile young Romeo Montague, the heir to the archdukedom, has become betrothed to Hermione, a soft spoken noble, and a Rose Ball is to be thrown in their favor. Romeo and his confidante Benvolio aren't so sure about the engagement, and as Romeo wanders town, he and the Red Whirlwind happen to meet for the first time.

Through some strange twists and mistaken identities, it is Juliet that is put in a dress and mask instead of a fellow outcast and taken to the Rose Ball, where she and Romeo have that chance first meeting. She and Romeo learn each other's names and, of course, are immediatley smitten. But Juliet is whisked away quickly, and she and Romeo want nothing more than to see each other again.

Of course, that gets complicated really fast. The next night at Juliet's birthday party, she is told of her history and her destiny to restore the Capulet dukedom. She is so overwhelmed she passes out, and later, when she puts two and two together, she realizes she can never love Romeo, whose father killed her family and forced her into hiding. However, Romeo pursues her regardless and the two pair up, even as times get much worse. Archduke Montague has increased his manhunt for the surviving Capulet girl and even targets Benvolio's family as potential enemies. Juliet eventually learns via an old gardner named Ophelia that the reason Neo Verona is falling apart at the seams is because the Sacred Tree Escalus is dying, and Juliet's true destiny is to let the tree take her life to restore peace to Neo Verona...

The first thing that really impressed me about this anime was the obvious and rare gender-role reversal. Romeo, the male lead, is the one who's life is being laid out for him, while Juliet is the one who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty to save her people. Also, while in all too many Shakespearean interpretations, the lady lead is the one who is the damsel in distress who needs the male to save her. Not here, which is even odd for anime. Juliet and Romeo are portrayed from the get-go as equals in strength, skill, intelligence, and courage. Sadly, this is essentially the only place this is seen, as elsewhere in the anime you see the typical weak-women and strong-men stereotype. Cordelia is the only other female in Juliet's band of rebels, and she is typically virtuous and soft-tempered while the other men in the group are the ones who always come to back Juliet during her battles.

It is certainly refreshing and it really helps with manipulating a viewer's emotions that the two main characters are relatable. Romeo isn't a whiny brat and Juliet isn't a virtuous, naive shut-in like in most interpretations. You aren't sure as you watch this whether the characters will live or die, and you actually want them to live, unlike in every other R+J remakes that are more faithful to the original and really couldn't care less about their fates and they're musing over each other gets annoying fast. This is a rare case where an update and deviation from the original is a good thing.

Another interesting aspect is the characters themselves in the anime and which roles they take on in the interpretation of the classic story itself. Friar Lawrence is actually Romeo's mother, who broke away from the Montague name after she saw how cruel her husband was. Tybalt is actually a bastard son of Montague whose mother was raped by him, and he sides with the Capulets and is therefore a good character. Mercutio is the opposite. He is another bastard son of Montague (apparently he got around a lot) and is just like his father: self-interested, ruthless, and conniving. Benvolio and his family also eventually take sides with the Capulets and he actually marries and has a child with Cordelia by the epilogue. Then there's an amusing caracature of Shakespeare himself, in the form of a writer's-block-ridden director/playwright who owns the theater where Juliet and her rebels take shelter.

The whole plot is very well conceived for both an anime and a Shakespearean-Update. It's enough separation from the archtype that you still aren't sure what's going to happen, but is still loyal enough that your emotions from reading/seeing the original are uprooted and brought to the urface all over again. The animation isn't the best I've ever seen, but I personally must say I am proud that Juliet was protrayed as a redhead! The overall grade i give this is an A- for a few flaws here and there that every show has, but still probably one of the best animes I've ever seen, and one of the best Shakespearean interpretations to date! Definitely a tear-jerking adventure that keeps your interest until the very last scene.